it's gotta be the beard

they didn't ask for id at the door.

someone assumes i'm older than them.

someone assumes i'm wiser than them.

i woke up today feeling awesome.

crumbs fall from my mouth but never touch the floor.

i hate shaving.

people come up and ask me if i got taller overnight. i didn't.

i'm the prettiest dude in the picture.

abraham lincoln's the greatest president of all time.

zz top's new album rocks hard.

you can't read my poker face.

i paid for one bag of doritos but the vending machine gave me two.

my chin feels warm.

the waitress assumed i wanted the lumberjack special. she was right in her assumption.

i always know what i'm talking about.

some dude held a door open for me.

the bus showed up early today.

vikings were badass.

so were pirates.

rick rubin, super producer.

the cops let me go and told me to have a nice day.

no one will make direct eye contact with me. it's as if everyone seems distracted.

obviously every female in the room wants some of this but is just too shy to approach me.

subway only charged me $5 for a foot long sandwich. what a deal!

you read this whole thing.