don't touch me (volume 1)

i included (volume 1) in the title cuz i can see myself writing many posts titled, 'don't touch me.' it's a topic i can go on and on about.

but today's version is about massages... not all massages, but more specifically the massages they give us at work on a yearly basis. every october at my job is "customer service appreciation month." and our job does a bunch of cool shit for us. there's lots of free food, prizes... this year there's even a halloween party that will include awesome things like booze and karaoke. one of the many things they give away are massages. they bring a company in, have 'em set up shop in a conference room and raffle away massage spots. not everyone's a winner so they're sorta a coveted thing around the office.

so every year this comes around and every year they ask everyone who wants a massage and every year i say i'm not interested. and every year people react like i'm crazy. and maybe i am. but i'm just not into it. the whole thing's awkward. i know cuz the very first year i was there, i did sign up for a massage. and what they do is, they send you into a conference room, four people at a time, and you receive these 15 minute massages.... obviously over the clothes... it's not the kinda massage you get at the spa or whatever.

that's just the set up. the awkwardness comes in the details.

you never know who you're gonna be in the massage room with. it could be your boss or that cretin you can't stand or maybe even your office crush. there's no control over that (i have limited control over that, to be explained in just a minute). and even if all other three people in the room with me are awesome, it's still weird to sit around and receive massages at the same time in a conference room during work hours.

beyond that, you walk in and they have aroma candles lit and mellow music playing. the whole thing's kinda a cheese fest. your dealing with some masseuse who's just had their hands on a plethora of your coworkers. i know it's not exactly a germ exchange like drinking out of the same bottle, but last i checked, there are no barriers for cooties and the cootie shot is an urban myth that was debunked sometime in 1998.

but it makes me wonder if the masseuses are sizing us up. when they go to lunch, do they talk about their least favorite person they had to lay their hands on today? what if the whole time they're taking stock of everyone and comparing them and either fucking, marrying, or killing them in their imaginations. cuz that's what i'd do.

and it's just 15 minutes. like i said, this isn't even a real massage. okay, i'm weird with all sorts of forms of strangers touching me. but even if i was into strangers touching me, i'm pretty sure these 15 minute sessions are the fast food of massages. wow, 15 minutes. thanks for loosening me up just a little bit.... now i'm gonna go back to work and get tense again.

and you gotta see some people and the shit eating grin they rock after the massage. makes me think a lot of people at my job are not getting touched by other people a lot. and i always get the, "you don't know what you're missing" routine. and there's usually only two types of people who say that to me:

type 1- people with inactive sex lives.

type 2- people who are married. which leads me to believe their marriages are miserable if a 15 minute assembly line massage classifies as "feeling great."

anyways... to bring this sucker home.... i work in the department that schedules everything. so i have to schedule the massages. and anytime there's call outs, i get asked if i wanna take the empty slot. i never do. and  i know it's just people at my job being nice to me but seriously everyone, i just don't like strangers touching me. it's not up for debate. it's been this way for 32 years and a 15 minute massage in the conference room isn't going to change that.