gratitude

"in the radiance of the setting sun,
men either sing and give thanks
or clamor and bewail
the approach of old age."

that's not mine. i didn't write that. i read it in this book i have lying around called, 'kung fu meditations.' (a book my friend chet lent to me when i was 14... and i still have it. i'm grateful chet's not a library with overdue fees. i should look into giving him his book back. it's really good.)

i read this last night. i've read it before. i read through this book a lot. it's not a long book... about 40 pages of aphorisms and koans. and every time i read through it, a different part seems to stick out, almost as if to address issues i'm experiencing in life right now.

i have not been singing and giving thanks in the radiance of the setting sun as of late. i'm extremely guilty of clamoring and bewailing the approach of old age. and it's one of those things where i don't realize how guilty i am of this until i read these four lines right here and it comes out and smacks me.

i know shit ain't perfect and life's not a fairy tale and fucked up shit happens all the time. but it won't do me any good to focus on all the ugly shit that's going on. if i can still sing and if i can still give thanks, then why not  try that approach instead?

at the end of the day, i have a lot to be grateful for. i'm alive. that's the most obvious. death sucks but it happens all the time. just yesterday i came home to find out that someone in the house next door to me was strangled to death. now that seems awful and it is... however, it's a fresh and extreme reminder that life's a crazy thing... and it's uncertain when exactly any of us will cease to exist. for this reason, we should be grateful to just simply exist.... to be able to open our eyes and experience the world and breathe the air. life's either a miracle or a scientific long shot, either way, enjoy the program while you can. there's only so much of it.

then there's the people i love... friends and family. and there's so many of them. seriously... i have love for so many people. if you're reading this, you're probably one of them. i'm not vain enough to think that anyone beyond people who really give a shit about josh are reading this. so thanks! you fucking rule! i don't know what you did but you did something. there's a lot of  people who at first glance i'll say, "they never did nothing for me," but with deeper inspection i realize i'm wrong. even the oddest of acquaintances have left positive impressions in my life.

i have the essentials covered. i have a job, an apartment, clothes on my back, food. i'm never starving. i have my health. i exercise. i have a pretty eventful social life. i don't have a lot of enemies. i'm not too far in debt (if all goes well, i'll be fully out of debt by this time next year for the first time since i was 18).

i have my hearing. i can hear music. i can move to it and be moved by it. i get such fucking joy and passion out of listening to music. i can't put it into words... but there are moments when the right song comes on at the right moment and it's almost powerful enough to cause me to explode inside. it's the closest thing i know to magic and religion. i fucking love music. and if at the end of the day i can always play a song to sing or dance along to, that's fucking glorious.

i have so many people to interact with. i live alone but i'm far from lonely. i'm always chatting or texting or emailing, or facebooking, etc etc... there's always some form of communication going on. i've done an excellent job of surrounding myself with an eclectic mix of people. all i know is interesting people... not a one of them are bland or boring. everyone has a quirk, everyone has a tick, everyone is unique.

when i look back, i see tons of good times and good people. i have so many great memories... too many to be numbered. life has been and remains pretty awesome. when i put things into perspective, i feel spoiled. i'm sorta rich in other ways besides financially. there's so much in my life that brings me joy. it's absolutely amazing to sit here and write about it and reflect upon it all. it's almost overwhelming. how do i ever find myself clamoring and bewailing the approach of old age in the first place?