sleepers, just stop sleeping

12 laps at the lake = 15k

approximately anyways, give or take....

last night i baptized myself in alcohol. i won't go as far as to say i needed it. but a night out with a couple of good friends was definitely in order and probably a better option than what i originally wanted to do, which was sit at home and think about life.

i don't like to sit still and think. i do it just like any other human does it... but it's not something that i find a whole lot of comfort in. ideally i'd like to always be on the move. much like life, constantly moving, flowing, going forward showing no signs of slowing down ever.

so that's what last night was about. i suddenly found myself someone else's ex-boyfriend and i could've stayed in and sulked in feelings of dejection... but that's just not how i like to operate. instead i called a couple of friends and we hung out, drank beers, shot whiskey, and bullied a jukebox.

i hadn't drank like i drank last night in a while. my body craved healing time so i slept till 1pm. then i laid around my bed for another hour refusing to get up. so my day didn't start till 2pm.

from 1pm-2pm i thought about the rest of today and how it was gonna play out. there was a part of me that wanted to throw in the towel and give up on today before it even began. began? it was 2pm, it had already began for most people hours ago. i was way behind.

i struggled between wasting the day away laying around and doing nothing or getting up and making something happen. finally at 2pm, i kicked myself into gear, got out of bed, fed cats that didn't seem to appreciate my late start, and ran.

whenever i wake up feeling shitty much like i did today, i bargain with myself. i tell myself to go for a run but not to worry if i cut it shorter than usual. a short run is better than no run at all. that's usually how i sucker myself to get into sneakers and take that first step out the door.

but once i hit the park by my house and my body found itself in the familiar running motions, it's like something inside of me takes over. this isn't gonna be a short run. fuck that. running's awesome. i need this. and the laps blend into each other and next thing i know, about 3 albums later on my ipod, i'm approaching lap 11. i've yet to exceed 11 laps at the lake. and in a moment of total clarity, i decided today was gonna be my first ever 12 lap day.

that 12th lap probably looked awful. i probably looked worn down, beat up, and not like much of a runner. but i did it and felt awesome about it.

while out at the lake, i found myself wondering what is it that keeps me running. sure, i appreciate it for it's many benefits to my health. but it's more than that. it does something for me on many levels... it helps me clear my mind and my soul. some people probably associate running with the idea that runners are running away from something. and maybe i am.... i'm definitely running from the past. but we all are. it's all part of my mission to keep things moving at all times... to not get stagnant, to not let life pass me by in stillness.

i don't see it as me running from the past though. i see it more as me running into the future or even into the moment, into now. as the moments of my life pass me, i want to take them head on with no signs of slowing down or stopping.

i don't wanna lay in bed all day. i don't know of a bigger waste of time than unnecessary amounts of sleep. sleeping is the closest we come to not living while living. sure, everyone has to sleep and i'm not saying anyone should try and go without it. but trying to grab more of it than necessary is the biggest waste of your time alive.

and when i'm running, i'm never more alive. i'm never more focused on how it feels to be alive. when i'm running i'm no longer josh the workforce analyst, or josh the stand up comedian, or josh the ex-boyfriend... i'm just josh. i'm just me with no labels, no classifications and i couldn't even put it into words if i wanted to. it's too beautiful.

running is more than exercise for me. it's therapy. it's meditation. it's punk rock. it's me vs. me. when it begins, it's a challenge. when it ends, it's an accomplishment. it's victory. it's all parts of me in motion. it's the machine of me working in harmony within itself. it's me in perfect motion with the world around me.

it's the complete opposite of hiding from the unstill world around me. for 12 laps at the lake today, it's perfect.